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Any Mac owner who's installed Microsoft software should find something to identify with here. It's the conspiracy we've always suspected to be true.

From: (willie* chang)
Subject: MS workers' confession
Date: Mon, 4 Sep 1995
Posted to: comp.sys.mac.advocacy

MS workers' confession:

"Working in MS is so easy, just look at a Mac and monkey see monkey do,
don't even need to do any R&D, and bugs are forgiven anyway..." 

"There're things we can't figure out how Apple does it, like how to
develop toolbox calls for apps to sum up all sorts of DTP entities
such as type faces and drawings, to determine the required file saving
size for the app to check disk space to fore-warn users about disk
space problem, or during copying several files the user can cancel
the operation and that the old files remain intact even when there
hadn't been any additional disk/ diskette/ RAM space to retain old
files during writing. This algorithm is not trivial."

"Other things Apple does for users' convenience like checking
installation diskettes (or diskette images) may already be inserted
in multiple diskette drives (or images mounted) during installation,
and the installation script will get on to it and not ask users for
the next diskettes if seen inserted or mounted... well, we skip these
development concerns and overheads, and just assume the user has one
diskette drive, so that we don't need to do additional programming.
After all, why concern the small percentage of users having multiple-
diskette drive systems, right?"

"And about that recovering old files during files writing or copying
if the user so choose to cancel the operation, forget it 'coz users
should make up their minds first! They should read some books, learn
from video tapes, take some classes about how to use a computer..." 

"Oh and about people complaining Word saving files onto diskette too
slow, they should use hard disk, why diskette? Not a normal thing to
do, just a small percentage of people would do that in a small
percentage of occassions. Who cares?"

"We can dress it up like a Mac, and sell a billion bucks even if it
doesn't work. Most people would pay for it so long as it's MS product.
It's futile to complain about bad products anyway since there're far
more people who don't know computer and software are not synonymous
to clone PC and MS... So like I said, just put out something like a
trash can uh... recycle bin and show it 100 times a week on TV ads,
not only the stocks get jacked up but also Time magazine will be saying
that we're making computer history."

"A simple GUI's trick is: when something cannot run fast enough like a
Mac, just let additional, often unnecessary, message dialogs show up and
the user is distracted and will feel faster. AKA MS Theory of Relativity." 

"In order to run MS products, P5, 16M RAM, 1G disk are minimum system
requirement, so you see MS products are very high-end, that's the
difference from a Mac Plus with M68000 (say i8088-equivalent) CPU, 1M RAM
and 20M disk, which does about the same things. So MS promotes hardware
and also computer furniture industry, kinda like housing industry
promoting many other related industries, and does escalate the global
economy... I'm very proud of being a MS worker." 

Lawyers thrive on mishaps; religions, calamities.
Heaven is no need to deal with "alfonsos" (professional as*h*les).

There are lots of things that suck about being an adult. Dad isn't around to kill things for you, to name one. When arachnophobia strikes, it just comes down to who's less of a baby: your roommate or yourself.

From: Patsyann Jones 
Subject: The Beast In The Bathroom

I am reposting this because I know a lot of people missed it, and,
frankly, this was one of the defining moments of my adulthood. Plus
Patsyann just tells a damn good story. :)

FORWARD (story by Patsyann)

I was just awakened, about ten minutes ago, by the sound of Michelle
standing next to the bathroom going "Oh, god. Oh, god." In fact, I
managed to incorporate that into a dream where somebody got shot and
the woman who was responsible was going "Oh, god. Oh, god, I shot him.
Oh, god, it's all my fault" while someody else -- the shooting
victim's brother, in fact -- was manfully taking charge of the
situation, telling her it was only a scratch, calling the paramedics,
etc, etc.

They say dreams only happen in a split second, which must be true,
because it seemed to go on forever, when suddenly harsh pounding came
at my door.  My first startled thought was the KGB had finally come
for me, but I have a more overactive imagination than most (not
better, necessarily, but it does seem to feel the need to throw up the
most illogical solution to the simplest of problems). But it
wasn't. It was Michelle, screaming "Oh, my God! You have to help me!
Get up and COME HELP ME!"

I jerked awake, heart pounding, the tasted of last night's beer foul
in my throat. The scent of danger seemed to permeate the very air.

So I get up, and went out. I knew it had to be something serious,
because nobody, and I mean nobody, ever wants to look at me that soon
after my awakening if there's the slightest chance of avoiding it. She
was standing in front of the bathroom door, holding a broom and
shaking, looking as pale as milk. "You have to be my backup. Look in
the sink."  So I looked in the sink....

And there it was. The most hideous beast ever created by a vengeful
God and released on earth to do His bidding. A spider roughly the size
of the bottom of a Coca-cola can. And UGLY?! Man, does Carmen Miranda
wear fruit?  It was one of those low slung babies, with the big thick
crooked legs and a triangular body suspended between them. And one
more thing. Something so obvious it was hard to see, something so
hideous.... "That spider has nine legs," I said, shocked. "It's some
kind of genetic aberration," Michelle said.

Michelle continued to babble from behind me, as I stood, locked in
steely- eyed confrontation with the beast. "I got up. I peed. I
stretched. And then I went to wash my hands...." There was an edge of
hysteria in her voice that I didn't like. I knew she was about to
crack. And if she did, I would be left to defend the household against
the creature alone. We had one chance, my partner and I. Either stop
the beast here and now, or ....well, frankly the thought of running
away and finding a new place to live crossed my mind.

Michelle finished her report on the initial skirmish with the
beast. "So I grabbed this broom. I'm thinking I whack it with the
broom, drive it toward the drain, and then we pour boiling water on

I shook my head. "Too risky. It could escape out the side. No, we need
something definitive."

"How about poison?" Michelle asked. "Too slow," I replied. "And not
necessarily effective."

No, I decided, this situation called for the big guns. I straightened
my hat, flicked the butt of my cigarette off into the bushes (well,
mentally) and returned to my room for the ultimate weapon while
Michelle remained on guard. "What are you doing?" she asked, that note
of panic rising again.  "I'm getting a shoe," I told her. "A shoe that
I never intend to wear again."

Shoe in hand, I returned to the bathroom and stepped inside to do
battle with the beast.

"Careful," Michelle whispered. "If it moves, I'm coming after it with
the broom." Now that action was being taken, her voice was calmer.

I clutched the shoe in my hand, reflexively tapping the palm of my
left, considering. The beast was crouched on the upper right hand
slope of the basin. Tricky. That meant I would have to swing one
strong underhand blow, and I had a clear swing at it, but it also
meant I only had one chance. It had to be that single blow or never
using the bathroom again. For a moment, that seemed a viable
option. Then, I thought again. If I couldn't use that bathroom, that
meant I would just have to learn to live with the taste of last
night's beer in my mouth. The beast was between me and my toothbrush!
No, I decided, it's the beast or me. Steeling myself, I raised the
shoe over my head.

I took a deep breath and lowered the shoe. Panic surged in my
torso. "What's the matter? Why didn't you kill it?" Michelle
snapped. "It just occurred to me that maybe we could get Stephanie or
Sarah to kill it," I replied. "No, they're even worse then we are,"
she said. "It's us or no one." Shamed by her courage, I gripped my
shoe tighter, and raised it again.

My arm trembled as I held the shoe at the most outside arc. One shot,
my mind babbled. One shot. What if I miss? a darker part of my mind
whimpered. I lowered the shoe again.

"What is it now?" Michelle snapped. "Maybe we could suck it up with
the vacuum cleaner," I said, grasping for any straw. "No," Michelle
said. "It's not strong enough, and anyway I don't want to think about
that spider scuttling around in the vacuum cleaner bag." My mind
recoiled from that idea.

Sweat breaking out on my brow, I turned back to the beast. I raised
the shoe again. And as I considered my enemy, it seemed to taunt
me. You'll never be rid of me, it seemed to say. You'll run away from
the bathroom, and when you come back I'll be gone. At least, that's
what you'll think. But in the back of your mind, you'll know I'm still
out here. And one day, when you least expect it, you'll reach for the
toilet paper, or open a dresser drawer, or throw back the covers of
your bed...And there I'll be, like grim death on a Pogo stick. And

I was defeated. I knew it. There was no way I could kill this beast. I
would simply have to admit my cowardice and see if I could get a male
friend in here to dispose of the monster. Still holding the shoe, I
turned to tell this to Michelle.

And there she stood, like an angel of light in baggy sweats and hair
like a crow's nest, brandishing her broom. What in the world was I
thinking, I wondered suddenly? Michelle and I were the best spider
killing team in the world! Together, we had faced down a thousand of
the repellant horrors.  There was our confrontation with The Spider
That Stood On The Wall While We Were Watching TV, and The Spider That
Shut The Bedroom Door Behind Itself In Our Old Apartment, The Spider
That Dropped Into My Hair At Bumbershoot, and of course, that
legendary monster, The Spider That Crawled In From The Storage
Shed. With victories like those behind us, no spider standing in the
sink could defeat us!

One last time pays for all, I prayed, and raising the shoe, I struck!

I seemed to hear a fading arachnid scream in my mind as shoe met
spider with a resounding splat. Then all I could hear was Michelle's
yell of triumph as I shot past her and dove into my room. "You did it!
You did it! You're so great!" Michelle applauded me.

No, I thought, WE did it, and I pulled the covers around myself and
cowered.  We have triumphed again. I didn't say that, though. The
cameraderie of the spider battleground doesn't allow for
sentiment. But somehow, in that wonderful moment, I had to let
Michelle know how I felt. Like magic, the words came to me, just the
right combination of praise, wit and encouragement to express
everthing I wanted. to.

"I killed it. YOU clean it up," I said.

The End


"You know what I think would be a good thing to hang in the evenings
to keep mosquitos off of you and your guests? Just a big bag of
blood."  ---Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey 

While a Windows 95 drinking game sounds like fun at first, we have our reservations. After all, it's when one is in such an inebriated state that one might consider buying the bloody thing.

From: (Taylor)
Posted to: rec.humor,best.windows95,alt.os.windows95.crash.crash.crash,
alt.windows95 .beta,uk.comp.os.win95,,,t alk.bizarre
Subject: Windows 95 infomercial drinking game.
Date: 27 Aug 1995

Summary: Sit back and liquor up to bill's attempt at world domination.
Keywords: drinking bill gates win 95 hippo 

Yes it's the long awaited Drinking Game 95. To be used while enjoying
the "Windows 95 Infomercial" coming up this Monday (check local
listings for time and channel). Gather together some good friends,
curl up next to the tv, and call up this posting on your Mac, OS/2,
or UNIX machine. 


p.s. special thanks to anna, alx, mike, and all the crew.


Bill Gates Microsoft Windows 95 infomercial drinking game Beta version.

*****************************Drink once******************************** 

Everytime a cute ethnic child is shown being more productive through the
use of Win 95.

A "new" feature of Win 95 is shown that has been implemented in the Mac
OS, OS/2, or third party extensions for years. 

Someone makes a reference to Bill's money or success. 

The word "virtual" is used.

Microsoft new computer network is refered to as MSN. 

When "Joe/Jane Q. Computer User's" computing concerns are solved by Win 

A 1-800 number is displayed.

Whenever "plug and play" is used.

A reference to how "easy it is" is made. 

An old person is shown using the computer. 

The computer speaks directly to the camera. 

A spokesman from the Computer industry praises Win 95. 

The word "upgrade" is used.

*****************************Drink twice******************************* 

When a crappy feature/bug of Win 3.1 has been fixed by Win 95. 

Some politically correct/assinie icon/metaphore is used for a standard
function (i.e. "recycle bin")

Someone "doesn't understand" a feature, and needs it explained in detail. 

Plug and play is refered to as "p&p."

Any time Anthony Edwards (the host) says the words "World Wide Web." 

Large, bloated, yet obsolete mega-corporations, toady up to Bill in the
hope that some of his sucess will rub off. 

Anyone makes a medical joke to Anthony Edwards. 

Any time the phrase "Now is the time..." is used. 

A person is shown meeting some "Sandra Bullockesque" love interest
through MSN.

A feature of MSN duplicates an existing internet service. 

The 'net is refered to as the "Information Superhighway." 

You are invited to publish your own Web page. 

You are remined that Win 95 will allow you to attempt any of the
following trivial tasks: Balencing home checkbook/budget, college
term paper, manage your stock portfolio, order flowers or a pizza,
play games, email your grandmother, make plane reservations, 'chat'
online, medical imaging, research dinosaurs, download porn, play
"global thermonuclear war," or open the pod bay doors.

*****************************Drink thrice****************************** 

Bill makes reference to his wealth and/or sucess. 

A crappy feature/bug from Win 3.1 continues on into Win 95. 

Any reference to "screw-up."

A reference to "You've been waiting a long time, but now here it is..." 

Win 95 crashes the demonstration computer. 

A competetor's product is shown.

They tell you that this is "the last operating system you'll ever need." 

Bill breaks down, turns to the camera and say "Easy is not better!" 

******************************Drain it********************************* 

A "new" feature intoduced in Win 95 is totally original, never before
implemented in Mac OS, OS/2, or third party extensions. 

An animated version of Anthony Edwards or Bill Gates appears. 

Anthony Edwards remarks offhandedly "You ever notice how much Windows
looks like the Macintosh operating system?" Drain another if Bill
answers, "Nah, we swiped it from Xerox."

An explaination to why Win 95 was released a scant few months before '96. 

Canter & Seigal spam MSN with adds for their latest book before the end
of the program.

Bill apologizes for his monopolistic business strategy, crappy software,
and cult of personality. Hands rights over to Linus Torvalds. 

Charlie Chaplian "spokesman" from the IBM campaign shows up. 

. . . . .. . . ...

Taking Net scams to a whole new level....

From: (Candy-Colored Clown)
Subject: GenErection's New Clone-A-Chick!!
Date: Tue, 29 Aug 1995
Posted to: alt.personals,alt.romance,chi.personals

Tired of 1-900-SEX-LINES, exorbitantly-priced videotapes,
low-resolution online graphics, biochemical attractants, and
polyurethane replicas?  What you need is GenErection's new
CLONE-A-CHICK!! Just mix our patented, specially formulated DNA enzyme
packet with water, and you've got INSTANT-BABE!! All YOU supply is the
petri dish!! Many models to choose from, including nubile Swedish
servant, harried career feminist, street slut, and our newly
formulated, drug-addicted Gothic dominatrix!!  If you act now, I will
include, absolutely free, my new book--'Creating A More Satisfying
Significant Other Through Mitosis.' Don't let this fantastic offer
slip away!! Dial 1-800-JUST-ANOTHER-SCAM-DESIGNED-TO-


The art of the well-timed fake press release.

Subject: FWD> San Fran...I mean...
Date: Tue, 12 Sep 1995


San Jose, California, September 8, 1995 -- Cisco Systems, Inc.,
(NASDAQ: CSCO), the leading global supplier of internetworking
solutions, today announced their agreement with San Francisco, CA to
rename the city. Coming on the heals of the 3COM/Candlestick
agreement, the city has agreed to roll over again and accept
$5,000,000.00 over a period of 5 years to have the name shortened to
cisco, CA.

>According to a company spokesman, "When we saw how easily the city of
San Francisco had rolled over for the 3COM deal, we knew we had an
excellent opportunity. The chance to reinforce cisco's presence in the
networking community and the world at large is something that we just
couldn't pass up. For the price, it's quite a steal."

>3COM officials declined to comment on a report that they had tried to
block the deal due to their concern that 3COM Park (formerly
Candlestick Park) would now be located in cisco, CA.

>"With the number of national and international visitors, TV coverage,
and the 1999 Superbowl to be held in the newly renamed city, cisco
will continue to extend its reach into every facet of the networking
world" said the spokesman. "We are proud of the outstanding
accomplishments of our employees and partners in fiscal 1995 and we
see this as an excellent opportunity to reward them for their

>Cisco Systems, Inc. is the leading global supplier of enterprise
networks, including routers, LAN and ATM switches, dial-up access
servers and network management software.

Net Soup Contributors:
Aaron Dickey (
Eliot Bergson (
Martha Brockenbrough (


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